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Subject: Wrestling Glossary
Posted by: Great One
- [29454311] Wed, May 03, 2006, 13:54
Credit 411mania and John Meehan |
| 1 | Great One
ID: 54458311
Wed, May 03, 2006, 13:58
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Todays entries...
The Unofficial Glossary of Professional Wrestling: Volume XXII
We're compiling a massive Wrestling Glossary of fan observations of the clichιs, trends, and standbys of the wrestling world that might as well serve as the unofficial rulebook for this sport we all love so well. Each week, I'll post one an entry of my own as well as a few submitted by you, my faithful (and hopefully articulate) readers.
It's simple, really. You submit an entry, I add it to the Glossary, and you get the credit.
This week's entries
The Continuity Vortex
In the world of professional wrestling, there exists a massive void that is able to render all logical explanation null and void. This phenomenon is known as The Continuity Vortex, and much like a rift in time is able to suck one from one state of being to another almost instantaneously, the Vortex is able to change, modify, rewrite or completely overhaul any and all existing storylines and character development at well (see: Ross, Jim rehiring as RAW's lead announcer). And, in the words of Marge Simpson, once a performer's jump from one company to another, or any and all storylines, characters or angles has been sucked into this Vortex, it is widely accepted practice that all involved persons will agree to the credo of - let us never speak of this again. - As such, when heels become faces all of their mischievous deeds and underhanded tactics are instantly forgiven. The existence of this Vortex also explains the inexplicable lack of continuity between characters that previously had partnerships or otherwise-explained familial relations, as is found in the case JBL/Orlando Jordan, Undertaker/Orlando Jordan, Undertaker/Kane, Edge/Christian, Edge/Just about anyone that he had programs with as part of a tag team, and the general memory span of The Entire WWE Creative Team.
The Law of Compromising Positions
When a wrestler has a signature maneuver that requires his opponent to be in an unusual and unlikely position, his opponent will always end up in this position at some point over the course of their match, even though nobody would normally falls this way in any match not involving said wrestler (see: Booker T, Axe Kick; Tajiri, Tarantula, etc.). If the wrestler fails to successfully execute his signature maneuver, contrary to incredible statistical odds, the opponent is likely to end up in the position a second time. A corollary to this law states that when inappropriate, laughable or hotly denied sexual tension exists between a wrestler and a second party, such as a tag-team partner, a valet or Mae Young, the wrestler is likely to fall in a way that simulates oral sex with the second party.
- Chris Elsinore
The Evil Heel Ref Conundrum
If and when an evil character (see: Eric Bischoff, etc.) is named the special referee for a match, the only evilness that comes out is when he administers the fast count in favor of the heel and when he permits the slow count for an illegal choke or maneuver. This seems to run in contrast with true evilness, however for if the referee was all powerful (and evil to boot), then it stands to reason that an evil referee could call for the bell and award the match to the heel at any point during the match, perhaps by erroneously citing that the face submitted or was disqualified due to excessive blood loss (despite the lack of any apparent wounds).
- Chris Morciglio
The Inexplicable Law of Equality
No matter what situation Triple H may find himself in, be it a 1-on-1 match or a 2-on-1 beat down of an opponent (see: Triple H & Mr. McMahon vs. Shawn Michaels, RAW 3/27/06), should Triple H pull out a sledgehammer, mathematically challenged announcers (see: Coachman, Jonathan) will ALWAYS refer to the sledgehammer as The Great Equalizer, despite the fact that the addition of the sledgehammer in fact often nullifies all existing equality of a situation and/or further exacerbates said inequality in Triple H's favor.
- Matt Rawlik
The Heel/Face Acceptability Double Standard
It is a well-known fact that a cheap shot from a heel to a face will elicit a negative crowd reaction. As heels are universally despised, even the most rudimentary of illegal maneuvers (e.g. an eye-poke) is sure to garner a predominantly negative response. However, should the tides turn and the heel find himself on the receiving end of a cheap shot, the exact opposite response is almost assured to occur. When a face uses a so-called
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| 2 | Mike D
Leader
ID: 041831612
Wed, May 03, 2006, 22:37
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Freakin' great. Love 'em all.
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| 3 | Great One
ID: 523121411
Wed, May 03, 2006, 23:04
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alright, this is probably more than we need (and is only part 1 of 3) but if you are bored (like me at work tomorrow afternoon)... lol..
The 10 Count Effect
When a wrestler has a pummeled opponent in the corner of the ring, the wrestler will get up on the bottom (or second rope if he's a midget wrestler) and pummel the opponent with 10 closed fisted punches, so the crowd can count the punches. He will normally stop at ten, but even if the wrestler stops pummeling his opponent at, say, "8" or "9" punches, the crowd must always complete the count to the number "10" just the same.
- A Guy Named Joe
The 10 Count Effect, Part 2
When a wrestler (preferably a heel), is losing in a match, the heel will roll or step out of the ring, and walk around the ringside area. The ref will begin to start counting to 10, as usual, and just before the ref reaches a 10 count to count the heel out, the heel will roll into the ring and the match will continue, thus the heel regains some strength and time to think. If the heel wishes to gain extra time to regain stamina (and to further aggravate his opponent), the heel would roll into the ring, and then right back out, and a new 10 count will have to begin (see: Perfect, Mr.).
- A Guy Named Joe
Amnesia Heights Theory
In the event of a ladder match a able competitor (AKA Athlete) must spend the next 30-60 seconds climbing a single set of ladder steps to claim there winnings upon which there opponent will either A) battle once more B) take the ladder from the rival's feet thus resulting hanging on a single steel ring waiting for that inevitable fall instantly erasing that persons memory to take the belt with them on the way down
-Mike Flinn
The Annotated Royal Rumble Rulebook Rundown
The Luckless #30 Phenomenon:
Despite supposedly having the odds in their favor, people who draw number 30 in the Rumble will mysteriously find themselves afflicted with a mental disability that prevents them from ever winning said bout.
The Royal Law of Opposites Attracting (now defunct):
Even though the Royal Rumble match was originally supposed to be every man for himself, the first several years of this contest saw that only faces would only attack heels & vice versa. Attacking a competitor of the same allegiance as one's own instantly drew one's "face and/or heel" status into serious question. This rule held true for the first couple of Rumbles, but was eventually abandoned when everyone realized how stupid it looked.
The Top Rope Rule of "One-and-Done":
While top-rope maneuvers would seem incredibly risky for any and all bouts with an "over-the-top" elimination rule in effect, high flying performers have occasionally been known to successfully deliver such high-impact maneuvers in these contests just the same. That said, these performers should be advised, for whereas their fellow competitors are permitted (and encouraged) to hit their trademark "finishers" repeatedly throughout the duration of a Royal Rumble, performers with top-rope finishing maneuvers are limited to only *ONE* successful attempt per match. As such, should a "high flyer" attempt a second top-rope finisher after having already completed his first attack of the same, it is a well-documented fact that he who goes up to the top rope for a subsequent attempt will automatically draw at least one wrestler to his corner to immediately eliminate him from the ring.
The Tarantula Compulsion Effect (also partially-defunct):
Despite the fact that "The Tarantula" maneuver makes it quite easy for someone to shove a performer from off of the ring ropes and out of the Royal Rumble match, Tajiri cannot resist using the Tarantula in said contests. This same effect holds true (to a lesser extent) for the majority of high flying performers and top-rope maneuvers.
The Inexplicable Tag Team Entry Phenomenon:
Despite the fact that the Rumble drawing is completely at random, tag team partners will more often than not, tend to draw numbers relatively close to one other. The odds of this happening increase exponentially if one of the partners should find himself in the ring against two partners of an opposing tandem that said tag team just so happens to have been feuding with in the weeks leading to the Royal Rumble PPV.
Showboating Rule (a Royal Rumble-exclusive corollary to the "Do Not Taunt" Rule):
After having eliminated a fellow competitor from the Royal Rumble match, some wrestlers simply cannot help but take a few seconds to pose and gloat as they revel in their accomplishments. Inevitably, this will cause another wrestler to decide it's time for their showboating opponent to go, and more often than not, the showboater will quickly find himself outside of the ring lying right alongside of the competitor he'd just eliminated moments before.
-Fixxer315
The Areola Auto-Focus Effect
The Areola Auto-Focus Effect occurs when a "Diva" (read: female), for one reason or another, should happen to lose an article of clothing, revealing a part of the body usually concealed by their undergarments (read: usually the nipple). Under such a circumstance, the Areola Auto-Focus Effect goes into full swing, and any cameraman in the immediate vicinity of said female will suddenly find himself unable to bring said Diva into view. Helpless to fight the awesome power of the Areolas Effect in order to catch a better shot of the in-ring-action, cameramen can only stand by in disbelief as their cameras automatically zoom to shots of an extremely excited audience.
This said, it should be noted that Pay-Per-View atmospheres are inexplicably immune to the Areola Auto-Focus Effect (see: Young, Mae...*shudder*).
- Nelson M. Lafreniere
The Ass-Pressure Chairshot Effect
When choosing a weapon from the outside of the ring, a wrestler MUST attempt to find a chair that someone is currently using. It is a well known fact that the force of the human butt increases the strength of a chair ten fold. This is the reason that most heels and faces eschew chairs hidden under the ring (see: "The Storage Shortage Principal") for those which are currently being sat upon by ring announcers and time-keepers.
To this day not enough evidence exists as to who's butt is more powerful between Lillian Garcia and Howard Finkle.
- ShadowReturns
The "At Least He's Good at SOMETHING" Rule
When a wrestler loses more than he wins, there is a high probability that an announcer will pick one basic move out of that wrestler's moveset and claim that this wrestler is especially proficient at it. The more frequently the wrestler loses, the more frequently the move will be pimped. (See: David Young's spinebuster, Bob Holly's dropkick, Tajiri's kicks, Ron Garvin's Hands of Stone).
- 411's own Ryan Byers
The Automatic Contendership Clause
This is a corollary to the "Reinvokasize Rule." Whenever a heel champion loses his belt, he will exercise his right to a rematch at the earliest opportunity. (Exception: if the heel champion waives the rematch clause when signing the contract for the match, then the heel must re-earn his contendership. See: Leyfield, John "Bradshaw.") Also, in the cases of certain main event wrestlers, no matter how long they have been absent or how many matches they have won/lost, they can name themselves as number-one contender at any time, and they will intimidate/manipulate the commissioner/director of authority/general manager into making it official. It helps that said wrestlers have an ownership interest in the company. (see: Jarrett, Jeff; Helmsley, Hunter Hearst)
- =Jay 2K Winger=
The Automatic Contendership Clause, Part II:
The Undertaker is guaranteed at least one World Title shot per year, usually taken during the month of October.
- =Jay 2K Winger=
The "Badass" Fashion Trend (a corollary to "The Dark Side of Facial Hair")
Should a wrestler wish to appear more "badass," they need only follow certain fashion tips.
(1) Cut the sleeves off your shirt or jacket or coat. This immediately helps establish that you are now "badass." Your odds of winning brawls and street fights and hardcore matches increases. (see: Edge, Wrestlemania 22)
(2) Wear more leather. Leather jackets or leather pants are especially important in establishing that you are "badass." HOWEVER, it should be noted that one should be careful with what leather apparel they choose, as wearing some kind of leather hat makes you look like you're gay. (see: Conway, Rob)
(3) New tattoos automatically increase one's "badass" aura. Get the tattoos on your back or chest, the larger, the better. It's even ok if they just so happen to resemble penises, so long as they are prominently displayed on your chest area as again, tattoos = automatic "badass." (see: Lesnar, Brock; Steiner, Scott; Mysterio, Rey)
(4) Black is the new black. Should leather be unavailable, wear lots of black clothing, preferably with metal studs in appropriate places. After all, metal is "badass."
(5) Grow your facial hair out if you are clean shaven. Goatees are especially "badass."
(6) Shave your head. It has been proven that bald wrestlers are more "badass" than anyone else. (see: Austin, "Stone Cold" Steve; Angle, Kurt)
-=Jay 2K Winger=
The Big Red Pyro Conundrum
Should Kane fire off his pyro prior to the match starting, there is a 99% chance that he will lose said match.
- We Are Venom
The Bra & Panties Paradox
In a bra and panties match, or anywhere near the ring, should a diva find themselves forcibly stripped by another woman, she will quickly cover herself and run in an embarrassed manner back to the locker room. If, however, the woman strips of her own accord, all inhibitions are forgotten and she will gladly parade around in little more than her underwear. Additionally, if the woman who did the stripping is a face, you can rest assured that she WILL strip herself after stripping her opponent.
- WeAreVenom
The Closed Door Cameraman Force Field Phenomenon
Although cameramen can go anywhere, they cannot open doors. This is a strange phenomenon, as all one has to do to be rid of any camera man is to just close a door and the camera man will be baffled, instantly becoming too stupid to recognize a handle or doorknob to open the said door.
- XC_TF
The Clueless Referee Principle (a corollary to points one and two set forth in the standard issue Referee Requirements)
Should a referee become distracted by outside interference after *clearly* seeing that one wrestler totally has the upper hand in a contest, his attention will be completely devoted to the outside distraction and thus he will lose all short-term-memory of just *who*, exactly, was absolutely dominating the contest up until the moment of his distraction. As such, should the tide of a match turn while a referee finds himself otherwise distracted (e.g. should a second wrestler jump into the ring from behind the referee's back and attack the once-dominant competitor with a weapon), the ref will pay no mind to the fact that the wrestler that was once *clearly* winning has now find himself down and out. Likewise, referees are fully expected to still count a pin without the slightest suspicion that anything out of the ordinary might have transpired while his back was turned.
- Randy Hullinger
The Contract Signing Desk/Table Rule
Any time there is a match and/or contract signing, there must be a desk present in the ring. Even though there will rarely ever be a need for one to actually sit down at said desk as all contracts are attached to a clipboard, there will still be a desk in the ring regardless. If the desk takes the form of a table with a skirt, viewers can be reasonably assured that someone will be forcibly put through it. It should be noted, however that should a desk lack said "table with skirt" form, it can be reasonably assumed that said "normal desk" will only be flipped over in a fit of competitor's rage, as despite a performer's relative level of anger no one would ever dare attempt to slam an opponent on or through a regular desk.
- Ranan Engelhart
The Culinary Auto-Destruction Rule
If there is a birthday, anniversary, holiday, or any other type of celebration cake, it is virtually assured that this culinary delight will wind up in someone's face by the end of the evening. Banquet tables and catering spreads are likewise prone to similar fates.
- Fixxer315
The Dark Side of Facial Hair
While unique and elaborate facial hair stylings have been a staple of the professional wrestling industry since long before the time of Haystacks Calhoun, it is also a well-known fact that the slightest alteration of a performer's facial hair will, in turn, have a dramatic effect on their overall demeanor. Should a wrestler find themselves "drifting closer to the dark side" (see: The Law of Blind Trust), they will assuredly find themselves exhibiting the beginnings of a ChrisBenoit-like five-o-clock shadow. Likewise, should a heel wrestler find himself suddenly allied with the forces of good, you can bet that he's likely to lose said scraggly facial pubes in an attempt to further exhibit just how "good" he's become. (note: "The Dark Side of Facial Hair" phenomenon does NOT apply if said wrestlers were formerly HOMOSEXUAL heel characters. In this case, the addition of facial hair and blue jeans actually helps eliminate their heelishness and homosexual tendencies).
- Meehan
The De-Facto Denim Default
When competing in a "Back Lot Brawl," a "Parking Lot Showdown," a "(insert city) Street Fight," or any other "hardcore" contest the simple addition of medical-taped hands and denim fabric to one's usual ring attire (preferably in pant form) automatically makes one far more likely to succeed in such a matchup. As such threads are such a well-known advantage in matches such as these, some might even go as far as to say that denim attire is *mandatory* for any and all backstage and parking lot matches. For certainly no performer in his right mind would ever dare to wear normal ring attire (e.g. spandex or nylon shorts) for any match that might take place outside of a ring, and thus a handy roll of medical tape and a good old fashioned pair of jeans should *always* be kept in one's gym bag on the off-chance that he should find himself challenged to a "street fight" on any given night.
- Meehan
The Devastating Effect of (Insert Foreign Object) Finisher
In the case where the face finds himself having the upper hand in a match, the heel(s) can always pull out the foreign object of doom. Even though being knocked helplessly out of the ring, thrown into steel steps or nearby guardrails, and receiving any and all other maneuvers might prove ineffective, being struck with said foreign object no matter how ridiculous said object might be will always knock the face unconscious. It is not important as to what substance the foreign object is actually made of, per se, (see: Chyna, Bouquet of Roses) as perceptive commentators will always point out that the foreign object was clearly loaded with something clearly capable knocking one's foe unconscious. Other such examples have included title belts, cell phones, purses, cheerleading horns, woman's shoes, magic wands, etc.
- Dan Beeferman
The "Do Not Taunt" Rule
Taunting an opponent during a match is a proud wrestling tradition, but it carries a major risk. If a wrestler has been the recipient of a major beatdown for the majority of a match, he or she will stage an immediate comeback should their opponent ever pause from administering said beatdown in order to taunt the crowd or their fallen adversary. This rule holds especially true if the taunter is a heel and the receiver of said beatdown is a face.
-=Jay 2K Winger=-
The Dropkick Conundrum:
Executing a dropkick will never hurt a wrestler performing the move so long as the maneuver connects with his intended opponent. Should the attacker *miss* his dropkick attempt, he will unexplainably find himself hurt often with the wind knocked out of him despite the fact that the distance fallen after a *missed* dropkick and the distance fallen after a *successful* dropkick is exactly the same.
- Miguel Sardalla
Dudley's Law
Despite the fact that tables clearly break one's fall and should, in fact, soften one's landing upon their destruction, it is still far more devastating for any wrestler or valet to plummet through a table than it is to receive the same maneuver should it not result in the destruction of a table. This is because wrestlers' sweat mixes with wood varnish to form a tranquilizer powerful enough to instantly knock anyone unconscious from mere contact. In "hardcore" contests or those promoted under the ECW banner, however it should be noted that wrestlers simply do not generate the appropriate sweat required to create such a tranquilizer and thus they are not rendered unconscious upon their collision with or destruction of said tables.
- Carp
"Enforcing" the War Games
If Arn Anderson isn't bleeding like a stuck pig then IT'S NOT A PROPER WARGAMES!
- Colin Roscoe
Entrus Interruptus
It is a well-known fact that a superstar's entrance music ALWAYS interrupts a referee's count. (see: New Jack's music in the Jerry Lynn vs. Justin Credible title change from ECW). The sounding of a wrestler's entrance music also will also always interrupt all in-ring action, ringside beatdowns, in-ring promos, in-ring pachinko tournaments, or whatever else is happening.
- Colin Roscoe
The Enzuigiri Knockout Rule
This commonly comes into play during tag team matches or in matches featuring a smaller wrestler taking on a much larger one. The smaller wrestler has usually been the recipient of a long beat-down by the larger wrestler (or tag team), and just when it seems like he's about to make a rally (or get the hot-tag), he attempts a simple kick to the gut, which is caught by his opponent. Immediately thereafter, the kicker delivers an enzuigiri kick to the head, knocking his opponent out, and giving us either the slow ten-count from the referee, or the long-awaited hot-tag to the fresh partner.
- =Jay 2K Winger=
The Ethnic Default Rule of Foreign Relations
In films, it is a widely accepted *fact* that all Asian people know karate, all Italians have mob ties, all Latin people can dance salsa, and any and all Russian characters are related to some ex-KGB agent or paramilitary organization now working for the new Russian Mafia. In professional wrestling, a similar set of standards exists but is compounded by the following premise:
If a wrestler is a face hailing with an ethnic-friendly gimmick from a country outside of the North American continent, their pre-ring entrance announcement will *always* give the full name of the wrestler's hometown city, state (or province) and country of origin. If a wrestler is a heel hailing from a country outside of the North American continent, their pre-ring entrance announcement will only contain the name of their home country (without the name of their home city) so as to emphasize their "foreignness."
- Meehan
The Face-to-Heel Skill Conversion Phenomenon
Whenever a talented babyface turns heel, he will (almost without exception) completely lose touch with his in-ring abilities. Under this rule, a wrestler who was once able to dominate his opponents and win matches clean will now be unable to secure wins without some sort of dastardly cheating tactics. Whatever strength, technique, resilience, or other related attribute that said wrestler formerly demonstrated will instantly and completely disappear upon his successful transformation from "face" to "heel." Such attributes are only to magically re- emerge if and when said wrestler turns face again.
- TMurder989
The Faulty Manufacturer's Guarantee
If an announcer gives added emphasis on the strength of a structure or any reason to believe that any structure or ring-modifying apparatus is "practically unbreakable," there is a good chance that a portion of said structure will be destroyed by the end of the bout. Examples include: glass holding cells in an Elimination Chamber, the cage comprising the Hell in the Cell, the walls of a steel cage (see: Show, the Big; Valentine's Day Massacre).
- Meehan
The Figure Four Reversal of Pressure Phenomenon:
When the figure four leg lock is correctly applied, it is virtually an impossible hold to break. Should a wrestler find him or herself the victim of said maneuver, one's only option is to quickly make their way to the nearest rope or be forced to submit. Should such a course of action prove too difficult, however, while the hold remains impossible to be broken it is possible to reverse the move if one can turn over onto their stomach, thus reversing the pressure of this same hold. Once this has happened, should the original "applier" of the hold manage to make it to the ropes, the initial recipient of the hold (who was previously powerless to break it) instantly has the ability (and responsibility) to break the hold before the "five second" count.
*(note: the Reversal of Pressure Phenomenon does not work during wrestling matches conducted on one's living room, bedroom, or basement floor. This could be because said venues lack the appropriate ring ropes though nearby coffee tables, nightstands or couches often suffice that would otherwise bestow competitors with an ability to break said hold. In other words if somebody puts *you* in a Figure Four it's best just to tap out and save yourself the trouble.)
- Ranan Engelhart
The Finisher Conundrum
While half-cocked punches and mistimed chest slaps are widely considered to be among the most ineffective maneuvers in all of professional wrestling, it is a well known fact that the single most useless move in professional wrestling is found in the stealing of an opponent's finisher, as it almost never brings the victory.
Once a wrestler has claimed a particular move as his or her "trademark" hold or maneuver, a magical force instantaneously connects said wrestler with said finisher for all eternity, thus virtually preventing said superstar's loss should he or she ever be on the receiving end of such a stolen finishing move.
Inexplicably this magical connection between wrestler and trademark finisher is even *stronger* between faces and their respective "trademark" moves so said superstars almost always counter an opponents attempts to hit a stolen finisher. While heels occasionally become victims of their own finishers in rare and ironic twists of fate, the result of these stolen moves is the always same never enough for the pin, only close two counts at best.
(note: the above rule does NOT apply to pro-wrestling video games, though defeating your best friend with their character's own stolen finisher MIGHT just earn you a thrown controller or, at the very least, a solid punch in the arm).
- Dereck Tod
The Finisher Fatigue Principle
If a wrestler delivers a finisher during a Pay-Per-View or championship match, the odds increase that their opponent will kick out of said finisher, even if the finisher "never fails." However, during a standard match or non-match situation, the same finisher can render the victim completely unconscious. The reason for this is, of course, because during PPV/championship matches both wrestlers are overexerting themselves in order to be victorious. As such, when the finisher is delivered, it does not have the same power as it would ordinarily contain, and so the odds of kick-outs go up.
- =Jay 2K Winger=
The Five Moves of Doom Rule
During pretty much every match certain wrestlers are in, they perform a string of four to five moves (usually ending with the wrestlers finishing move) that their opponent is seemingly powerless to stop. (see Cena, John; Hart, Bret; Michaels, Shawn, etc.). Many of these wrestlers have been doing it for years, yet none of their opponents seem to have seen a prior match and fall victim to these series of maneuvers.
i) Exception 1: The opponent may escape the moves of doom, only when the finisher is about to be executed. The opponent is allowed to come to their senses and roll out of the way, or perform a counter. More often than not, the wrestler will apply his finisher one or two manuvers later.
ii) Exception 2: Certain moves of doom force the opponent to perform manuvers of his own and is powerless to stop them. An example would be when Hulk Hogan is "Hulking up", the opponent is powerless to stop himself from continuing to punching Hogan in the head, but also the opponent must look surprised, as if this is the first time it's ever been done. Basic logic would dictate that a simple eye poke would defend against "Hulking up", but none of Hogan's opponents have watched one of his matches for the last 20 years.
- Chris Wingert
The "Flying Nothing" Rule.
If a wrestler not known for their high-flying skills ascends to the top rope, they will either miss (see: Bubba Ray Dudley and his "Never-Hits" Senton), be intercepted before making contact, either in mid-move (see also: any attempt by someone other than Jerry Lawler to deliver a diving fistdrop or double axe-handle will be met with a foot in the mouth), or have their attack thwarted before ever leaving the top rope (see: Flair, Ric and phantom top-rope maneuver).
- =Jay "2K" Winger=
The Flying Nothing: Part II
When a wrestler goes to pull a move off the top rope, with his opponent laying on the canvas, as he jumps off the ropes, the wrestler laying down would put both his feet up, thus creating a powerful force field that will make the attacking wrestler completely forget whatever he was planning to do and instead land near the complete opposite side of the other wrestler's body with both his feet on the floor. And somehow, despite the fact that the attacking wrestler has landed in a standing position, due to the force of gravity from the jump, his head will ALWAYS bow down and land right on said wrestler's feet.
- Ori Zeiger
The Flying Nothing: Part III
When a wrestler not known to fly typically a heavy weight heel such as Triple H chooses to fly from the top turnbuckle, his lack of experience in such matters is shown by his choice of attempt the simplest wrestling top rope move known to mankind: The Double Axehandle. His lack of experience also costs him greatly as he is inevitably caught with a punch to the stomach as he descends from said turnbuckle.
- Mark D
The George Oscar Bluth II "$10,000 Suit? COME ON!" Phenomenon
In the 1980s and in the years that preceded this decade, any time a heel wore fancy threads and either he or the announcers (usually the heel announcer) called attention to them, the odds were good that the face (or his stable) was eventually feuding with would attack him and tear off the clothes. (see: Slick at WMIII, or Flair with Magnum TA). This trend apparently seemed to fall out of favor in the "Attitude Era," for while announcers always mentioned that the suits worn by Mr. McMahon cost "thousands of dollars" (thus increasing the comic gold when they were inevitably soiled in some fashion or another), The Rock was regularly able to brag about wearing "$10,000 shirts" but nary an opponent ever saw fit to destroy the man's said garments, as they had all moved onto "bigger and better things" and often found themselves too busy to mess up a man's wardrobe as they were simply preoccupied with destroying convertibles, executive offices, title belts, tour busses, and other larger objects.
- Fixxer315
The Ghostly Camera Man
Believe it or not, camera men are not actually "people," per se, but merely disembodied souls who can still operate the cameras. As such, should one find themselves in a private room with a camera "man," wrestlers will reveal their innermost secrets and most devious plans, foolishly certain that no one is there to see or hear them.
Further, should a wrestler be in trouble somehow (see: Stratus, Trish, RAW 11/21/05) the disembodied camera man can't help them, but merely watch. Finally, there is evidence that while the audience can see what the camera men tape, other wrestlers cannot until much later (see: The "Wrestlers Don't TiVo" Rule), so even if some secret is revealed via a cameraman, they will not be aware of said betrayal until it's too late.
- Kahz
The Glass Wall
It is no secret that in professional wrestling (much like the business world at large) there exists a proverbial "glass escalator" which lucky ones can ride to the pinnacle of success as well as a proverbial "glass ceiling" under which unlucky ones always seem to find their success thwarted. Each of these entities are as unavoidable as they are unseen.
However in the world of professional wrestling, it is a little-known fact that a glass WALL exists as well. This "glass wall" an invisible and impenetrable entity itself. Magically, this invisible glass wall always materializes between the applier of a submission hold and the victim of said maneuver, and its impenetrability completely prevents almost every wrestler from ever pulling back hard enough on an opponent to actually force a tap-out to any non-finisher submission maneuver (see also: Camel Clutch, Boston Crab, Surfboard Stretch, etc.).
- Jay P. Barb
The Golden Guarantee
Any time a main-event-level heel wrestler guarantees to make an impact or says something to the effect of "[Show, promotion, or wrestler name] will never be the same
" on a wrestling program, by night's end one can almost be assured that the show will end with said wrestler standing victorious and/or laughing maniacally over a fallen face.
- Meehan
The "Guess Who" Private Locker Room Law
If a locker room has a wrestler's name on its name plate, but we didn't actually see said wrestler enter the room, someone other than the person whose name appears on the door is likely to be residing in said locker room should an opponent enter it.
- Colin Roscoe
The Guest-Ref Law of Fragility
If you're serving as a guest referee, you'd be amazed at how noxious that zebra-striped shirt can be. Oh it's true, it's true guests officials donning the referee stripes will frequently find themselves powerless to overcome its detrimental effects, and even the strongest, most jacked of FULL TIME WRESTLERS have been known to fall victim to an incidental-bump-knockout while serving as guest referees (see: McMahon, Vince; Austin, Steve; Michaels, Shawn, etc.).
- Meehan
The Half Speed Theme Rule
It is a well known fact that slowing down a wrestler's theme tune turns them heel. Therefore, extrapolating this rule, the slower the theme, to more evil the wrestler.
- Vonbrown
The Handshake-Spasmodic Recoil Response
If two adversaries have engaged in a heated (if not longwinded) in-ring debate about each man's capabilities for an important upcoming tilt, they will spontaneously develop enough respect for one another so as to shake hands as they leave. Unlike a normal handshake, however, the wrestlers in question will invariably suffer the Handshake-Spasmodic Recoil response, wherein one or both will be unable to release his grip, and will in fact pull back in response, bringing the other man into close facial proximity. The only way to alleviate this response is to offer a further rejoinder, which may or may not be followed by a Rock Bottom/Pedigree/Stunner/etc.
- ToppDawg
The Hemophobic Auto-Focus Effect (a companion to The Areola Auto-Focus Effect )
Surprisingly, cameramen have a deathly phobia of seeing someone get busted open. As such, when a wrestler has taken a blow that will definitely draw blood, the said cameraman will have no choice but to focus strictly on the opponent who delivered the blow (rather than on the recipient of said attack).
However, it should be noted that cameramen have no problem focusing in on any other high impact move, even those that could cause some severe damage (read: brainbuster). In such cases, cameramen have no qualms about zooming in with a close-up in order to illustrate just how severely the poor recipient might have been injured by said maneuver. On the other hand, when filming those moves that wouldn't seem to hurt too badly that have the potential to bust open a competitor's skin (read: hitting one's head on the small steel ring of an exposed turnbuckle), the weak-stomached cameraman must look away immediately and keep his camera focused elsewhere throughout the duration of the time it takes a wrestler to begin bleeding.
- Jay P Barb
The "He Who Sets It Gets It" Rule
More often than not, the person who seeks out and sets up a table is the one who goes through it. The more elaborate the table set-up (watch some of those TLC matches for multi stacked tables, etc.), the greater chance that the one who set them up ends up on the broken end of it. (The same rule often applies to exposed turnbuckles, as well.)
- Ranan Engelhart
The Hometown Jinx
If a "face" WWE wrestler is competing in a match emanating from his or her home town, he or she is virtually assured to lose. Rey Mysterio will job in San Diego. Jim Ross will bleed in Oklahoma. And Booker T cannot win in Houston. No seriously. He can't even beat Simon Dean in Houston.
- Colin Roscoe
The Honky Tonk Man Post-Defeat Syndrome
Should an undeserving heel find himself with a championship, he will most assuredly get a long run with said title belt and hold onto it by nefarious means until his reign reaches a point where fans are almost rabid to see him lose. As such, it is a well known fact that a veritable "hero's welcome" and unadulterated fan love is awarded to the challenger that finally bests said heel champion. Following the loss of such a long-tenured championship, said heel will then embark on a vicious losing streak returning jobs to all of those whom he went over on his way up, and to each and every newcomer and rising star so as to completely "give the rub" to all opponents and thus pass on the entirety of his previous heat. (see: JBL's role from WrestleMania 21 WrestleMania 22).
- Mark Satrang
Hulkamaniacal Futility
The fundamental principle of wrestling that states that regardless of how much damage one has endured during a match, if one pumps both fists in phase while occasionally "shaking the cobweb's" out of one's head, a temporary state of invincibility is created. This state, known as "Hulking Up", creates a Hulkamaniacal (pronounced: hul-kuh-muh-NIE-ic-ull) effect that renders the wrestler impermeable to any and all physical attacks courtesy of his opponent, effectively ensuring the futility of any attempts of the opponent to gain the upper hand. The addition of a finger point coupled with a finger shake, is believed to psychologically cripple the opponent, dulling their senses, encouraging a state of disorientation, and rendering their defenses useless. As a result, the opponent becomes vulnerable to elementary moves such as the boot to the face, the body slam, and the leg drop.
- Nelson M. Lafreniere
The Industry-Wide Pre-match Ritual Rule
Before going into the ring, the very last thing a wrestler does backstage is stare menacingly into a camera whilst doing a last few push ups/stomach crunches/tension band stretches/Sodoku puzzle numbers. On the rare occasion that wrestler is not shown performing one of the aforementioned exercises, he or she will most certainly instead be shown finishing taping his or her wrists whist staring menacingly into the camera. Or walking. They walk a lot, too.
- Colin Roscoe
The Inexplicable Interior Hallucination
While the world of professional wrestling has a number of "loose ends" and unexplained phenomena, perhaps the greatest of these is The Inexplicable Interior Hallucination; a phenomenon which allows viewers at home, commentators in the arena, and live audiences in attendance to see and hear any and all hallucinations a superstar might be experiencing *despite* the fact that anyone actually in the room with said hallucinating superstar will assuredly remain completely oblivious to the hallucinogenic goings on around them. Examples include Kane's "May 19th" schizophrenia, Randy Orton's "Bloody Bob" daydreams, and perhaps the most famous of all Hulk Hogan's visions of Warriors dancing in his head (and the mirror before him).
- Meehan
The In-Ring Inertia Effect
While competing inside of a wrestling ring, it is a well-publicized fact that wrestling rings actually create their own magical force fields of increased inertia. As such, should a performer find himself "Irish-Whipped" into a ring rope, he will automatically find himself powerless to stop running back and forth between the ring ropes until he comes into contact with a fellow competitor. This inertia effect has proven disastrous in a number of bouts, and particularly in Royal Rumble contests. Still, soome competitors have, from time to time, been able to overcome this effect but such an instance is only made possible when their opponent turns his back to them while pointing to his own head to indicate just how smart he believes himself to be (see: "The I R Smart' Rule").
- Meehan
The Inverse Law of Lumberjacks
If ever a face wrestler finds himself in a lumberjack match against a heel opponent, he should not panic, as it historical evidence has demonstrated a remarkable trend that a face will always win a lumberjack match. In fact, the more heel lumberjacks that surround the ring, the better the odds that the face will actually emerge from the match victorious.
- Meehan
The Inverted Champion Law (a corollary to the Inverse Law of Lumberjacks)
The more the deck is stacked against the champion by the "evil" boss, the more likely they are to win. Adding more opponents, special referees, strange stipulations (see: Cena, John; Submission Match) or otherwise will only make the champion that much more likely to pull off the win with their title intact.
kahz
The "I R Smart" Rule
Whenever a wrestler counters an attempt by their opponent to beat them senseless (whether with a finisher, a signature manuever, or just with a handy "international object"), if they follow up the counter with a tap to the noggin and a smirk (the universal pantomime for "I'm smart"), they will get beat up anyway. (See: Leyfield, John "Bradshaw" at Judgment Day 2005. He said "I quit" to lose the match, in hopes that Cena would not bludgeon him with a steel pipe from a semi truck. Upon giving the tap to the noggin, however, Cena hit him with the pipe anyway.)
-=Jay 2K Winger=
The IWC Law of De-facto "Hate On"
Unless a new or soon-to-debut superstar is a) Japanese, or b) Mexican it is a given fact that the IWC community at large MUST assume that said performer will be complete and utter balls on the mic and in the ring. In the same vein, should a new wrestler stand over 6' tall and have an impressive physique (even if said performer has yet to compete in a match) the IWC at large is to blindly assume that said competitor "couldn't possibly possess an in-ring arsenal of more than five moves." There are rumors that this law stems from an IWC envy driven by the general scrawny-white-kid-edness of most of its members, but said rumors are still unconfirmed.
- Meehan
Kant's Axiom of Wrestlers' Ethics (male variation)
With rare exceptions, any man's moral character is directly related to his popularity among large masses of people who barely know him. As such and with few exceptions popular wrestlers are automatically assumed to be "good" guys, each possessing a high and upstanding moral caliber.
- Carp
Kant's Axiom of Wrestlers' Ethics (female variation)
Any woman's heel or face status (and resultant moral character) is directly related to her willingness to appear naked in Playboy Magazine. As such, female wrestlers who are praised as "classy," "ladylike," or "elegant" are among the most likely to appear naked in adult magazines.
- Carp
The Law of Blind Trust
If a team is together for a extended period of time, and member A starts to get sick of member B. Member A need not worry about Member B catching on to this, no matter how much bad stuff he does. Member A can plan a full out screwing of Member B, knowing that member B trusts him completely. Member A can do anything just shy of pulling out a gun and capping Member B's ass, and Member B will blindly give Member A the benefit of the doubt and assume that he is still out for the good of the team.
- Todd Vote
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