Me, Roode and some guys used to write parody show reports. If we have time and you guys dig them, we'll do others.
** WARNING...these are parody posts, but they are full of spoilers **
RAW Results for 04/11/11
Pre-RAW Tough Enough Results: The contestants learn what courage is by dressing up as astronauts and getting their asses bit by trained ass-biting dogs. Three dogs need tetanus shots afterward. Jeremiah and Luke start a bromance. Hugh Morris squashes John Cena. Trash Stratus talks about crickets and I'm in love cause Canadian chicks rock. The gymnasium guy gets sent home for being an emotionless robot. And that's the bottom line! -----------
Welcome to RAW is WAR! Coming to you live from the Stoney Badger Tavern in Lynchburg, VA!
(bullets start whizzing through the windows)
Sloshed Mathews: We are in da LBC! Live from the Stoned Badger Tavern! Tonight we hear a big announcement from the HW Champion Edge. Stay tuned! I need another drink over here, please!
Jerry Lawless: Man, they have some great wings here! I haven't seen legs so scrumptious since Stacy Kiebler danced on the announce table. Haha! Let's get to the matches.
WWE Divas Title Match: Brie Bella d. Eve Torres Both Bellas are out and all the guys watching feel like having a twin sandwich. The Bellas pull the switch-a-rooni on the ref and Brie gets the title win. DaHodges has Eve, but Brie on IR thus having to settle for match loss points. An outraged Booker T yells, "Tell me she didn't just win this!" Hair is flying everywhere in the back when Eve says the women are ho's concerned about themselves. Look for more hair flying in the future.
Sin Cara d. Primo in a Sombrero Match Sin Cara enters with a Triple flip off the Spanish announce table and the crowd yells Olè! Primo dances a great jig around a Mexican hat but Sin Cara hits the top-rope Margarita Mash for the 1...2...3.
**** Teaser of Edge possibly retiring. RWF manager Tree lost his cookies in his milk thinking his next top scorer could end up to be Santino. Somewhere, manager Nailer smiles. ****
Wade Barrett, Ezekiel Jackson, Slater and Gabriel (The Corre) d. Santino Marella, Evan Bourne, Mike Henry and Daniel Bryan (Apple) Santino introduced his team as "The Apple," or Allied People Powered by Loathing Everything (The Corre stands for). Wade tells a dirty joke about an Italian, a midget, an African and an Irishman who walk into a bar together and all hell breaks loose. Slater from Saved By the Bell sneaks a dirty shot in and the Corre wins. The Apple team might the hottest since the Malenko, Benoit, Mongo, Flair version of the Four Hoursemen.
Jerry Lawless d. Jack Swagger If Lawler wins, he gets to face Michael Cole at Extreme Rules in a match of his choice. Swaggar is pounding down Lawless until Slim Hoss runs down with a plate of Stormy Badger wings covered in Slim Hoss's Bar-B-Que Sauce (online ordering available). Swagger ate more than Greg Roode at a Hibachi Grille and couldn't get off the mat. Lawless with the easy win and a trip to the ppv for manager RJ and DaHodges. Lawless grabs the mic and yells, "I'm feeling as randy as a badger in heat!"
Edge comes out and talks about the grand old days of the Conquistadors, Lita cheating on Matt Hardy with him and almost breaking Jose Estrada's neck (the irony!). He says he has Spina Bifida and wants to retire and f*ck the season of RWF manager Tree. Christian comes out and asks the crowd if they want a 5-second pose "for the benefit of those with flash photography". They scream "YEAH!", so E/C turns around, bends over and speads their ass-cheeks at them for 5 seconds.
****** (commercial) Get your Stone Cold Wife Beaters on sale now at the RWF Shopzone! ******
5 Man Gauntlet Contender's Match: Ricky Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. John Morrison vs. R-Kelly vs. John Cena WWE Champion The Miz is out to watch. Ricky and Dolph start the match. Ricky is tilted out when the Nexus Team slams a Stoner Badger pinball machine on his head. R-Kelly takes out Ziggler with the "You're Not Mister Perfect-plex" finisher. Jim Morrison rushes down and does his signature flip-flops all over the ring. R-Kelly pulls out his glock and pops a cap in his ass. Gangster Cena disarms R-Kelly, but The Miz interrupts causing a 'Double DQ' finish. The GM says there are now two contenders and there will be a Triple-Threat match for the heavyweight title--The Miz vs. Cena vs. R. Pope Dinero.
All three teabag a passed out Sloshed Mathews. WHAT'S UP!?! WHAT'S UP!?!
Jerry Lawless: Goodnight from the Stunning Beaver Tavern!!!
End of show.
MATCHES * Brie Bella def. Divas Champion Eve * Sin Cara def. Primo * The Corre def. "The Apple" * Jerry Lawler def. Jack Swagger * Five-Man Gauntlet Match ended with John Cena and R-Truth in a Double Disqualification
6
dahodges
ID: 33326416 Wed, Apr 13, 2011, 20:41
Who in the world decided to let a bella twin be the womens champion?
7
Great One
ID: 4733559 Thu, Apr 14, 2011, 14:18
Good stuff Nailer... certainly a more interesting read, thats for sure.
Rude doesn't write these, does he? I didn't know he could read... let alone write. Ohh!!!! chairshot!!!!
8
Great One
ID: 4733559 Thu, Apr 14, 2011, 14:19
They are gonna do the Bella switch to keep the belt for a while I suspect, leading to a match between the two over who is actually better in a couple months. Guarandamnteed.